


Hold Me Til the End

by simplyollie



Series: Nostalgia [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-12 14:17:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16874436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyollie/pseuds/simplyollie
Summary: He smiles despite himself, despite the rage and dejection fueling through his veins. He smiles, because after everything, Morgan is still here, still looking him in the eye and ruffling his hair. He smiles because Morgan has been the only constant he's had since everything happened.





	Hold Me Til the End

_1:03p.m._

 

* * *

Spencer wakes to a hand caressing his cheek, and for a moment he can forget. For a moment, he can lean into the soft, feminine hand, a content smile crossing his lips. Because, for a moment, she's still alive, she's still here with him and she's going to stay. 

 

For a moment, he can mumble sleepily, "love you, Em'ly."

 

The moment is shattered when the hand disappears, followed by a sharp intake of breath. 

 

Spencer blinks, his mind registering the sterile smell, the scratchy gown and uncomfortable sheets. Blonde hair dances at the edges of his vision as he tries to clear the sleep from his eyes, hands coming up to rub at his face. He can feel the edge of the bandage brush against his cheek and a weight settles in his chest, every trace of his dream leaving as reality seeps back in. 

 

"Spence?" The hand is back, resting in his hair, and he has to fight the urge to shove it away, because if  _she_ can't touch him like that anymore, then why should anybody else be able to? 

 

"Spence, please," the voice is desperate, and Spencer has to push down the sudden image of him and Emily in bed together, her voice desperate as his hands trailed over every inch of her body. 

 

Reluctantly, he removes his hands from his face, eyes immediately landing on JJ who was staring at him guiltily. He suddenly wishes Morgan was still sitting there - he'd much rather deal with the overwhelming concern than the guilt. What right does she have to look guilty? He's the guilty one. He's the one who's putting his friends through this immeasurable pain. Spencer looks away, suddenly extremely angry. His fingers fiddle with the blankets as he tries to vigorously blink away tears.

 

"Say something, please," JJ demands, her voice cracking slightly.

 

Spencer grips the hospital sheets tightly in his fist. "What do you want me to say, Jennifer?" 

 

"Don't," JJ's voice is filled with such remorse and Spencer's grip only tightens further. "Don't do this, Spencer." 

 

Spencer's breath hitches slightly as JJ rests her hand beside his arm. "Don't what?" 

 

"Don't retreat into yourself, don't shut us out like this, okay?"

 

"Then  _you_ don't," Spencer snaps, turning to face her as angry tears well dangerously in his eyes.

 

JJ frowns, her eyes shining with unasked questions and guilt. The guilt is still there, and god, he wishes it would go away. 

 

"What are you talking about, Spence?" 

 

Inhaling sharply, he runs a hand through his hair, trying to quell down his emotions. "Don't feel guilty, don't - don't look at me like that - like this is your fault. It's  _not_ your fault, it's mine, so st-stop feeling guilty." 

 

A few tears slip down his cheeks, though he makes no move to wipe them away as he stares brokenly at JJ. 

 

JJ, who's also crying. JJ who's eyes won't meet his as her lip quivers dangerously. "I can't help it, Spence." 

 

"Why?" He whispers, voice cracking as more tears spill down his face. 

 

"Because..." she pauses, her hands clenching in her lap as she takes a deep breath. "Because she's - "

 

There's a knock and JJ snaps her mouth shut. The door opens and Spencer wipes the tears from his eyes. There's a nurse and the pair turn away from each other, the conversation being filed away for a more private setting. The nurse leaves and Morgan enters, shortly followed by Hotch. Hotch, who won't meet his eyes. Hotch, who despite his usual stoic facade, looks as guilty as Spencer feels. 

 

"Glad to see you're awake, Pretty Boy."

 

He smiles despite himself, despite the rage and dejection fueling through his veins. He smiles, because after everything, Morgan is still here, still looking him in the eye and ruffling his hair. He smiles because Morgan has been the only constant he's had since everything happened. 

 

"Is that coffee," he mumbles, eyeing the styrofoam cup Morgan's holding.

 

Morgan flashes his signature grin, handing the cup over to Spencer who takes it eagerly. "The doctor said it's frowned upon for you to have it while still in recovery, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him." 

 

"Frowned upon doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong," Spencer says absentmindedly, deftly ignoring JJ and Hotch's gazes on him. "It's frowned upon for women to drink coffee during pregnancy, but really, during the early months it doesn't do any harm to the fetus to drink one cup a week."  

 

 Morgan chuckles fondly, his hand resting on Spencer's shoulder, and for once, Spencer feels as if it's going to be okay. He feels like, maybe, he can get through this. He knows it's a foolish thought, and this thought it shattered when Hotch's detached voice breaks through the comfortable silence. 

 

"Reid," all three gazes snap towards Hotch. "I was able to convince the staff from forcing you to talk to a psychologist, but when you come back to work you will need to take a psych eval. Not to mention, up until you go back, you'll need to stay with one of us. Now, I don't know who you'll want to stay with, but - "

 

"Morgan," Spencer interjects, his hard stare never wavering from Hotch.

 

"Excuse me?"

 

Spencer breathes in deeply, gripping his cup tightly. "I want to stay with Morgan - that is, if that's okay with him." 

 

Morgan's hand - which had never left his shoulder - squeezes it comfortingly. "It's more than okay with me, kid."

 

"Good, then," Hotch says after a while. "You'll both be on paid leave, for at least a month, and Morgan if we need your help on any cases I hope you'll be happy to work from home."

 

The room is silent for a while, before Spencer breaks it, shifting in bed slightly and clearing his throat. "So, when do I get to leave?"

 

Hotch's eyes darken and JJ pulls away from him slightly - neither of these actions go unnoticed by Spencer. 

 

"Spence, maybe it's a better idea if you stay here for a few more days." 

 

Anger boils in Spencer's stomach, and he barely resists the urge to scoff. "Why, Jayje? Staying here isn't doing me any good, you all know that."

 

"Reid..."

 

"No, Hotch," he cuts the older agent off. "We've already established I'm not a total danger to myself - it wasn't my intention to try and kill myself, and when I realized what I had done, I called Morgan. I didn't want to die then, and I don't want to die now."

 

Hotch sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Spencer feels Morgan slide closer towards him. 

 

"Reid, we all just need some time to discuss this, try and figure out what's going on, why this is happening. We feel the best place to do that, is here." 

 

Spencer scoff's then, staring disbelievingly at his unit chief. "We all know why I did it."

 

He can see the tension in Hotch's shoulders and the hesitance in his eyes. "Well then, why'd you do it, Reid." 

 

"Emily," he states simply, and he doesn't know why he's suddenly so calm about this when a few hours ago he could barely contain his sobs as he spoke to Morgan.

 

"It's not that simple, Reid."

 

"It  _is_ that simple, Hotch." Morgan speaks this time, and Spencer's glad because he doesn't know how much longer he can contain his anger. "While it may not be as simple as Spencer's playing it off to be, it's still pretty straight forward. We all lost Emily, and we're all in pain and grieving - but Spencer lost his fiance, the love of his life. Surely, you of all people, Hotch, can understand what that feels like."

 

JJ is completely silent and Hotch isn't looking at them, his eyes trained on the floor in such concentration that Spencer can't help but look as well, wondering what's down there that's so interesting.

 

"Fine," Hotch finally sighs, still not looking directly at Spencer. "As long as nothing happens, you can be discharged tomorrow morning - but you are going straight to Morgan's."

 

Spencer can't help the challenging look he sends Hotch. "Can I at least get some clothes and supplies from my apartment?"

 

 "If Morgan goes with you, then yes." 

 

Spencer nods, sipping at his lukewarm coffee. "Is there anything else?" 

 

Hotch runs a hand through his hair, eyes catching JJ's for only a second. "No, I suppose not. We'll leave you to rest if that's what you'd like." 

 

"D'you think you could ask one of the nurses if I'm  _stable_ enough to shower or not?" 

 

It's a low blow, and he knows it, but Hotch isn't telling him something, and Spencer feels defenseless sitting in the hospital gown, so he continues to be snippy, ignoring the way JJ's guilty eyes never leave his frame. Once he's given the all clear to shower, the others - sans Morgan - start to filter out, but Spencer finds himself stopping JJ as she's halfway out the door and he's halfway to the bathroom.

 

"Hey, Jayje," she turns to him expectantly, an unsure smile gracing her lips. "What were you going to tell me earlier - about Em?"

 

Her smile drops and her eyes flick towards Morgan, then back to him. She opens her mouth, then closes it, choosing to bite at her lips instead.

 

"It was nothing."

 

Spencer finds himself nodding, letting her leave as he continues to ignore the growing hollowness in his chest. He's not sure when it'll stop growing, though he's not entirely sure if he wants it to.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost 2am so I'm sorry if this sucks, but I was inspired by a song I was listening to and I had to write.  
> Next part of the series will be more Emily and Spencer, and I'll eventually get into things like how and when they got engaged, but I still haven't entirely figured it out yet.


End file.
